Seven Years.

My mom died seven years ago today.  Sometimes I can't believe it's been that long, but most of the time it seems like so much longer.  It seems like she's been gone forever.  She never knew Logan and she's never played with Callum.  It's like she was a huge part of my last life, but she doesn't even exist in this one.  It breaks my heart.  I used to have such vivid memories of her.  I could still hear her laugh and her voice, and I almost felt like she would be calling me or coming around the corner any second.  I don't feel that way anymore, though.  Now I watch home videos and get surprised when I hear what her voice sounds like.  I feel like I have to fight to remember her, and it's only been 7 years.  What will it be like when I'm 81 and she's been gone for 60 years?  Will it feel like she ever really existed?  Like she was ever real?

My mom's dad, my Grandpa Eric, died before I was born.  My mom and her siblings talked about him all of the time.  I heard so many funny stories about carefree, goofy Grandpa Eric.  But I don't know him.  I don't love him deeply and look forward to seeing him and snuggling him like I do with my Grandpa Jack.  I hate that Callum is going to feel that way about my mom.  I hate that she will always be a character to him.  A loving, fun, inspiring character, but still, just a character.  If she was alive she would have played an integral part in his life.  He would have adored her.  She would have been obsessed beyond reason with him.

When someone so important and so extraordinary is gone, everyone tries to make it seem glossy.  We say how lucky we were to have her for as long as we did.  And we were!  Especially since the doctors thought you should have died 13 years earlier than she did.  I would rather have my mother for 21 years than any other mother in the world for 100!  She was something special, and our relationship was something special.  But that doesn't change how much I miss her.  In fact, I think it makes it harder.  Every challenge and heartbreak that my sisters and I face is magnified because of the loss of our mother.  Even joyous occasions like our wedding days and the birth of my son were tinged with sorrow because our best friend was missing from the room.  People say she knew Callum before he was here, and that she is always watching me.  I'm sure that's true, but I want to see her hug Callum.  I want to talk to her, not just feel some nebulous presence in my life.  When Callum was born I cried every day for a week because I wanted her with me.  Rachel said to me today that she thinks when we see Mom again in the next life it will be like a reunion with a dear friend where you just pick up where you left off, like you were never apart, only 100x better.  I agree.  I think that is what will happen.  I am not worried about our reunion.  I am worried about all of the time that I still have to get through until that moment.  She was amazing, we were blessed to have her, she is watching me, and she must be proud of me and pleased with the way my life is turning out.  I believe all of that.  But it doesn't change that she's gone.  And that sucks.